I have been dwelling on this topic for the past two weeks since I came back to Hanoi.
Since I moved to Hanoi, I often found myself "questioning" my value of coming over. Moving here was not an easy decision for me. I had to give up a job that I enjoyed, being away from my family and friends, and the financial insecurity. I no longer have a familiar routine to adhere to i.e. wake up at 7am, go to work, go home, have dinner, watch TV and sleep. And I am thrown into a totally unfamiliar place when I have to set my own routine and learn everything from ground zero.
Before I came, I knew that I would have problems getting used to a different lifestyle but I did not expect it to be so difficult. Being jobless hit me very hard, not because I was a high flyer in my previous organisation, but because I no longer have anything to work towards. When I wake up in the morning, my purpose changed from meeting a project deadline to making breakfast on time for M. During lunch, I did not have a familiar group of colleagues to chat and gripe with. At dinner time, I have nothing to share with M except the things I bought at the supermart, how I spent my time with my friends in the afternoon, etc. In fact, I sometimes probed so much on what happened at his workplace that he would find it mildly irritating. Day in day out, this was the new routine that I established: eat breakfast -> nuah -> eat lunch -> nuah -> eat dinner -> nuah. Others might be envious that I am having so much time for myself but to me, it was a negative effect of an overdose. I began to dread all the time that I had.
I realised that I am a "competitive" person. I enjoy learning new things and setting challenges for myself. I enjoy proving myself in work through meeting deadlines, getting a good appraisal or a commendation by my manager. I enjoy going for courses, learning new concepts and sharing with my division what I have gained. I enjoy the last minute adrenaline rush of delivering time-critical projects and feeling a huge sense of satisfaction when the project was completed successfully. My brother often says that I am a freak. :)
With this nature, the environment in Hanoi does not suit me. I have searched for various courses to take here without avail. I have tried to look for a HR job but my inability to commit to a certain duration here (my husband's posting might be shortened or extended based on his organisation's needs) makes it difficult for employers to consider me. I searched for volunteering opportunities but was rejected. Either there was no vacancy or donations would be more welcomed. My friends tried to involve me in their painting or yoga classes but somehow, these lessons didn't appeal to me. I felt so helpless because there seemed NOTHING I could do about my situation.
After some consideration, I felt the best solution was for me to return to Singapore and pick up my life and visit M on a regular basis. I suggested this thought to M and not surprisingly, he refused. In anger, I blurted out on all my displeasure, my depreciating sense of self-worth, inability to provide for my family and pure boredom. Familiar topics that he was accustomed to. Naturally, it came with an accompaniment of tears and sobs. M kept quiet throughout. After I have calmed down, he posed me this question. Fundamentally, was it my belief that married couples should stay together? To him, it was a straight yes though he understood my boredom and financial insecurity. But if I believed in being together as a couple, nothing should affect my self-worth because I am here not just for him but for us. And if I believe that being here is key to supporting our marriage, what else could be more important?
That prompted me to think a lot. I know there is some sense in what he's saying because I too, believe that a healthy relationship should be one that allows face-to-face interaction at most times (this is purely personal). Perhaps in the past, I have anchored my worth too much on my career and the loss of this pillar resulted in my immediate emotional disturbance. Perhaps I am still getting used to thinking like a couple instead as an individual. It's now not "what's best for me" but rather "what's best for us".
It could be time for me to reassess my evaluation of "self worth" and learn to factor in more intangibles like "assurance of knowing your partner is always there for you" or "ability to do simple things together every day". No scores can be assigned in this "appraisal process". But you will know at the bottom of your heart the outcome and whether it's acceptable to you.
Or maybe, like M said, I should just try not to think too much. Life gets easier that way. :)
Since I moved to Hanoi, I often found myself "questioning" my value of coming over. Moving here was not an easy decision for me. I had to give up a job that I enjoyed, being away from my family and friends, and the financial insecurity. I no longer have a familiar routine to adhere to i.e. wake up at 7am, go to work, go home, have dinner, watch TV and sleep. And I am thrown into a totally unfamiliar place when I have to set my own routine and learn everything from ground zero.
Before I came, I knew that I would have problems getting used to a different lifestyle but I did not expect it to be so difficult. Being jobless hit me very hard, not because I was a high flyer in my previous organisation, but because I no longer have anything to work towards. When I wake up in the morning, my purpose changed from meeting a project deadline to making breakfast on time for M. During lunch, I did not have a familiar group of colleagues to chat and gripe with. At dinner time, I have nothing to share with M except the things I bought at the supermart, how I spent my time with my friends in the afternoon, etc. In fact, I sometimes probed so much on what happened at his workplace that he would find it mildly irritating. Day in day out, this was the new routine that I established: eat breakfast -> nuah -> eat lunch -> nuah -> eat dinner -> nuah. Others might be envious that I am having so much time for myself but to me, it was a negative effect of an overdose. I began to dread all the time that I had.
I realised that I am a "competitive" person. I enjoy learning new things and setting challenges for myself. I enjoy proving myself in work through meeting deadlines, getting a good appraisal or a commendation by my manager. I enjoy going for courses, learning new concepts and sharing with my division what I have gained. I enjoy the last minute adrenaline rush of delivering time-critical projects and feeling a huge sense of satisfaction when the project was completed successfully. My brother often says that I am a freak. :)
With this nature, the environment in Hanoi does not suit me. I have searched for various courses to take here without avail. I have tried to look for a HR job but my inability to commit to a certain duration here (my husband's posting might be shortened or extended based on his organisation's needs) makes it difficult for employers to consider me. I searched for volunteering opportunities but was rejected. Either there was no vacancy or donations would be more welcomed. My friends tried to involve me in their painting or yoga classes but somehow, these lessons didn't appeal to me. I felt so helpless because there seemed NOTHING I could do about my situation.
After some consideration, I felt the best solution was for me to return to Singapore and pick up my life and visit M on a regular basis. I suggested this thought to M and not surprisingly, he refused. In anger, I blurted out on all my displeasure, my depreciating sense of self-worth, inability to provide for my family and pure boredom. Familiar topics that he was accustomed to. Naturally, it came with an accompaniment of tears and sobs. M kept quiet throughout. After I have calmed down, he posed me this question. Fundamentally, was it my belief that married couples should stay together? To him, it was a straight yes though he understood my boredom and financial insecurity. But if I believed in being together as a couple, nothing should affect my self-worth because I am here not just for him but for us. And if I believe that being here is key to supporting our marriage, what else could be more important?
That prompted me to think a lot. I know there is some sense in what he's saying because I too, believe that a healthy relationship should be one that allows face-to-face interaction at most times (this is purely personal). Perhaps in the past, I have anchored my worth too much on my career and the loss of this pillar resulted in my immediate emotional disturbance. Perhaps I am still getting used to thinking like a couple instead as an individual. It's now not "what's best for me" but rather "what's best for us".
It could be time for me to reassess my evaluation of "self worth" and learn to factor in more intangibles like "assurance of knowing your partner is always there for you" or "ability to do simple things together every day". No scores can be assigned in this "appraisal process". But you will know at the bottom of your heart the outcome and whether it's acceptable to you.
Or maybe, like M said, I should just try not to think too much. Life gets easier that way. :)
1 comment:
I understand what you are going thru as I was like that once upon a time.
You see, when friends move on to a another job, it is always for better prospects, pay etc. (Most of the time, right?). Whereas for me, the more I move on to another job, my salary keeps dropping. It is like , hey, people are moving for the better and me???? Moving on for the worse!!!
I am sure you have heard of this Chinese idiom - "bu bu gao sheng" or "zhen zhen ri shang". Whereas it's "luo hou" for me.
There again, I question myself. What is my self worth? Why am I always moving backwards and not forward? I went on to think further. It's what I really want in life. What are my core values? Simple. It's family. Family comes first.
Though I was drawing a much lower salary than my peers, I am very happy as I get to spend more time w my family. Yes, my peers maybe climbing the corporate ladder and earing 2-3 times more but do they get to spend time w their family as much as they want? I am not sure. Most of the time, I don't think so. Their parents are probably the primary care-giver to their children.
It's a trade off. I see it as such. Yes, I know it's very demoralising and the emptiness that you are going thru. I have been there.
Ultimately, you have to ask yourself what do you really want in life. Re-evaluate your thoughts, core values. It may be a phrase that you are going thru now. What's important is that you must be HAPPY with what you are doing. Have a good talk w M again. Sometimes, talking about it again may have a different perspective. If you know what I mean.
I believe it's a phrase in life that you are going thru now. No worries. A friend said to me recently, in life there are ups and downs. That's why it makes life interesting. Otherwise life would be just a straight line and it would be very boring.
Give it some thought, ya? Have a good weekend.
Blessings!
Just me, Snoopy
Post a Comment