I have been receiving emails and notes from friends after my earlier post on "Self Worth". They were very open in sharing their concerns and own experiences of being a SHW (stay-home-wife) during their overseas stints. It's quite interesting and heartwarming to hear from them, and definitely delightful (Yes!) to know that there are wives like me around!
Phase 1
One thing that surprised me was most wives go through what I am going through now, which I will term as "Phase 1". This is the demoralising stage where you deem that your world has fallen, having made the world biggest sacrifice for your husband by giving up EVERYTHING. Expectations start running high. We demand for more attention from our other halves.. more time.. more tolerance and patience. Tantrums are to be expected.. Holidays or shopping trips are part of the package.. The occasional emotional outbreaks are to be endured or pacified. When this does not happen, we throw in the ultimatum of "I am suffering now all because of you, you know! You better treat me better!"
There will come the occasional regrets where we resolve to be better wives and stop the tantrums. But these positive thoughts don't last long.. and soon, we are back into the monstrous moods. The vicious cycle then repeats itself...
Self-Created Phase 1?
For some wives, the "Phase 1" is a short or almost non-existent process. I have seen them for myself. These are people whom we commonly term "tai tais" in a derogatory manner but I have come to see them with a renewed sense of respect. As S shared with me, while the tai tais' lives resolve around their husbands', they have never allowed their sense of self-worth to be eroded. They love themselves for who they are and are willing to play secondary financial roles in the family for the sake of their husbands' careers. They learn to adapt quickly after each relocation and build their social networks at an amazing speed.
Are they truly happy? My answer would be "yes". So why can't I be the same? This is something that I have been grappling with for a while and S summarised it perfectly. It's because being Singaporeans, we are so used to defining ourselves on specific moulds. The common Singaporeans' ideal of a successful woman is:
Successful woman = Financial Independence + Good Career + Loving Family
Our social image is not based solely on ourselves i.e. who we are. It's masked by factors such as career (position in the organisation, entrepreneurship), financial capability (house, car, handbags, etc), and family (loving husbands, clever children, doting in-laws). When we introduce ourselves to others, it's always, "Hi, I am XXX. I work in XXX as XXX. My husband is XXX. He's in XXX organisation. I have two kids. They are studying in XXX." It comes naturally to us, with no intent of showing off. Rather, we consider all these as part of "us".
When part of this external shell is removed (e.g. career), we become vulnerable. We think that our existence is no longer valued by others and lose our self-confidence. Should this be the case? Is this a real problem or self-created issue?
Self-Image of A Professional Tai Tai
Coming back to the "professional tai-tais", their views are very different. They anchor themselves strongly to their families and take pride in playing their "housekeeper" roles well. They believe that their husbands are happy only if they are happy, and that their sacrifices are appreciated by their families. Most importantly, they see themselves as no less capable than fellow counterparts with successful careers + large pay packets. To them, it's all a matter of choice. They have chosen to be with their families and give up their careers. Despite the "losses", they are determined to make the most of the "gains", such as more time to pursue personal interests or new activities, more time for friends, etc. These are adaptable people who will be happy wherever they go.
Reflection
What about myself? I realised I might have created too many imaginary inhibitions that hinders me from being truly happy. As SL probed me this morning, what's stopping me from being happy in Hanoi? Is it really the place or slower pace of life, or "me" myself? Is the loss of my career affecting me badly or my perceived loss of social identity? Why can't I be comfortable knowing people as who I am, flesh and skin? What's wrong with being known as Mrs M when I know very well who I am?
I guess it boils down to one's self-confidence. I refer to SL, my ex-manager. She gave up her career in my previous organisation to come to Hanoi for missionary work. Through learning the language and embracing the culture, she enjoyed herself so much and Hanoi is now her home. I met her this morning and could tell she is genuinely happy. Throughout our conversation, I realised that not once was she bothered by the fact that her career is non-existent and she is not as financially secure as before. When she was sharing with her life in Hanoi e.g. daily activities such as biking around town, making cheesecakes at home and travelling around Vietnam, she displayed the same confidence that I saw when she used to make corporate presentations. This is one lady who does not care what others thought of her because she has always known people as who she truly is.
My mum is another example. Having left the corporate world for more than 30 years, I often asked her whether she felt her sacrifice was worth it? Her answer was always a resolute "yes". To her, looking after her three children was never a demeaning job. Instead, she draws joy and pride from us. Her self-confidence is never anchored on her children's results nor careers. Rather, it's her evaluation of how successful she was in moulding our characters. This is why she was never once bothered by the fact that I am now jobless. Instead, she always reassures me that she's proud of me for having the courage to follow M to a different country. And she's proud of me for always thinking about her despite being far away. Amazing, isn't it? A mum who is so enlightened in life has to endure with a super-materialistic daughter aka ME.
Next Step?
Realisation is the first step. The next is asking whether I want to evolve into one of these happy enlightened souls? Frankly, I am not sure. It will be an ardous task melting my current "mould" of a successful ME and recasting a new one. I will continue to think about this, that's all I can promise to myself.
Perhaps there will come a day I will feel natural "unpackaged". By then, I will call myself a tru-blue, proud and happy "tai tai" and not feel a teeny-weeny bit ashamed.
Phase 1
One thing that surprised me was most wives go through what I am going through now, which I will term as "Phase 1". This is the demoralising stage where you deem that your world has fallen, having made the world biggest sacrifice for your husband by giving up EVERYTHING. Expectations start running high. We demand for more attention from our other halves.. more time.. more tolerance and patience. Tantrums are to be expected.. Holidays or shopping trips are part of the package.. The occasional emotional outbreaks are to be endured or pacified. When this does not happen, we throw in the ultimatum of "I am suffering now all because of you, you know! You better treat me better!"
There will come the occasional regrets where we resolve to be better wives and stop the tantrums. But these positive thoughts don't last long.. and soon, we are back into the monstrous moods. The vicious cycle then repeats itself...
Self-Created Phase 1?
For some wives, the "Phase 1" is a short or almost non-existent process. I have seen them for myself. These are people whom we commonly term "tai tais" in a derogatory manner but I have come to see them with a renewed sense of respect. As S shared with me, while the tai tais' lives resolve around their husbands', they have never allowed their sense of self-worth to be eroded. They love themselves for who they are and are willing to play secondary financial roles in the family for the sake of their husbands' careers. They learn to adapt quickly after each relocation and build their social networks at an amazing speed.
Are they truly happy? My answer would be "yes". So why can't I be the same? This is something that I have been grappling with for a while and S summarised it perfectly. It's because being Singaporeans, we are so used to defining ourselves on specific moulds. The common Singaporeans' ideal of a successful woman is:
Successful woman = Financial Independence + Good Career + Loving Family
Our social image is not based solely on ourselves i.e. who we are. It's masked by factors such as career (position in the organisation, entrepreneurship), financial capability (house, car, handbags, etc), and family (loving husbands, clever children, doting in-laws). When we introduce ourselves to others, it's always, "Hi, I am XXX. I work in XXX as XXX. My husband is XXX. He's in XXX organisation. I have two kids. They are studying in XXX." It comes naturally to us, with no intent of showing off. Rather, we consider all these as part of "us".
When part of this external shell is removed (e.g. career), we become vulnerable. We think that our existence is no longer valued by others and lose our self-confidence. Should this be the case? Is this a real problem or self-created issue?
Self-Image of A Professional Tai Tai
Coming back to the "professional tai-tais", their views are very different. They anchor themselves strongly to their families and take pride in playing their "housekeeper" roles well. They believe that their husbands are happy only if they are happy, and that their sacrifices are appreciated by their families. Most importantly, they see themselves as no less capable than fellow counterparts with successful careers + large pay packets. To them, it's all a matter of choice. They have chosen to be with their families and give up their careers. Despite the "losses", they are determined to make the most of the "gains", such as more time to pursue personal interests or new activities, more time for friends, etc. These are adaptable people who will be happy wherever they go.
Reflection
What about myself? I realised I might have created too many imaginary inhibitions that hinders me from being truly happy. As SL probed me this morning, what's stopping me from being happy in Hanoi? Is it really the place or slower pace of life, or "me" myself? Is the loss of my career affecting me badly or my perceived loss of social identity? Why can't I be comfortable knowing people as who I am, flesh and skin? What's wrong with being known as Mrs M when I know very well who I am?
I guess it boils down to one's self-confidence. I refer to SL, my ex-manager. She gave up her career in my previous organisation to come to Hanoi for missionary work. Through learning the language and embracing the culture, she enjoyed herself so much and Hanoi is now her home. I met her this morning and could tell she is genuinely happy. Throughout our conversation, I realised that not once was she bothered by the fact that her career is non-existent and she is not as financially secure as before. When she was sharing with her life in Hanoi e.g. daily activities such as biking around town, making cheesecakes at home and travelling around Vietnam, she displayed the same confidence that I saw when she used to make corporate presentations. This is one lady who does not care what others thought of her because she has always known people as who she truly is.
My mum is another example. Having left the corporate world for more than 30 years, I often asked her whether she felt her sacrifice was worth it? Her answer was always a resolute "yes". To her, looking after her three children was never a demeaning job. Instead, she draws joy and pride from us. Her self-confidence is never anchored on her children's results nor careers. Rather, it's her evaluation of how successful she was in moulding our characters. This is why she was never once bothered by the fact that I am now jobless. Instead, she always reassures me that she's proud of me for having the courage to follow M to a different country. And she's proud of me for always thinking about her despite being far away. Amazing, isn't it? A mum who is so enlightened in life has to endure with a super-materialistic daughter aka ME.
Next Step?
Realisation is the first step. The next is asking whether I want to evolve into one of these happy enlightened souls? Frankly, I am not sure. It will be an ardous task melting my current "mould" of a successful ME and recasting a new one. I will continue to think about this, that's all I can promise to myself.
Perhaps there will come a day I will feel natural "unpackaged". By then, I will call myself a tru-blue, proud and happy "tai tai" and not feel a teeny-weeny bit ashamed.
No comments:
Post a Comment