Home Sweet Home

I am finally... home.

After months of yearning and pining, I embarked on my journey back to Singapore last month and have finally settled down. Life suddenly became busy.. and once again, I felt that I was using every minute of my day. M and I moved into the apartment that we bought before we left for Hanoi, and needless to say, there were lots of cleaning, wiping, moping and washing to do. We also had to scout around for pieces of furniture in our previously-barely furnished home. I finally understood how most couples felt when they did this. While it's tiring, the fun, anticipation and excitement kind of superceded all sentiments. Creative juices started running wild as each of us suggested items items that we felt would suit the "theme" of our house. Luckily, M and I had rather similar tastes so a consensus was easy to reach.

Of course, it was not without hassle. We had to face the disappointment of numerous last minute deliveries due to an oversight from the vendor, long waiting hours while the delivery men took their time (despite having scheduled an appointment) as well as hunger pangs as we couldn't step out to buy food before they came!

Finally, after an eventful two weeks, my apartment is now completely furnished and I love every corner of it. :)

I have also started work three weeks ago and amazingly, I assimilated into the work culture rather fast. I am lucky to have very understanding bosses who are genuinely nice and colleagues (a couple are my old friends) who extended a warm welcome to me when I returned. They were patient while I took time to understand how the company works again! Many things have happened while I was away.. and now the challenge is to re-learn the systems and rules, as well as familiarise myself to the environment and get my rusty brains thinking!

Nothing beats being at home, with your family and friends. Trust me.

Going Home

Finally, after 2 years of stay in Hanoi, we are going home.

We received the news from M's company last week and I was thrilled. After two years (slightly more for M) of residing abroad, we both felt that it was time to be back. It's strange but it's only when I came here that I realised how much my family and friends in Singapore meant to me. And for now, I am just glad to be going home.

I have gained a lot in Hanoi though. Despite my relentless complaints about the slow pace of life, boredom and lack of electricity, I have learnt to appreciate the smallest things. When the summer heat comes intensely strong, I am thankful that I have the luxury of a house to stay in while young ladies peddle in the sun selling fruits or groceries. When I need to travel around Hanoi, I get to use the car provided by M's company, instead of having to wait for buses which are often crowded and without air-con. When severe inflation struck Vietnam, I only need to tighten my belt a little while others pick up food scraps from dumps. It has been humbling.

I have also learnt that life goes on, no matter what happens. When there's no electricity, I see my local neighbours gathering outside their houses to chat and laugh about it. When there's a construction project that goes on day and night behind your house, my neighbours sleep with cotton buds and ignore the noise. When the main road outside my house is being fixed, causing a major traffic confusion as it's a 2-way road, the drivers just manage their way across, without the need for traffic police. Life goes on.

I guess I am thankful that I had this opportunity to experience life in a city of a developing country, and the chance to know many good friends here. Of course, there are always the occasional unpleasant experiences. But for now, I will keep them deep down in my heart, enjoy my last few days in Hanoi and bring back the happier moments back with me to my home.

Counting my Blessings

Many thanks to all my friends who prayed for my dad upon reading my previous post. I am really thankful for your concern and well-wishes.

My dad went for his medical review yesterday (after one month of treatment) and we were all elated when the doctor shared that he was responding well to the treatment. While his cancer cannot be eradicated as it has spreaded to his bones, we hope that his condition can be kept under control for as long as possible.

We had a "mini-celebration" during lunch and it was probably the first hearty meal my parents had since my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Many relatives called to ask about the results of my dad's review. I was very touched when Aunt C came all the way down from her office to lend my dad her support.

Now, I am learning to count my blessings every day. Every moment with my parents becomes extremely precious as I am not sure how much time I have with them. But I am thankful that I am given a chance to relish all moments while I can. This, perhaps, is a form of blessing too.

Praying

I have been praying hard lately.

My dad has been diagnosed with cancer recently and it came as a shock to my family. It's always something that you don't expect to happen to your loved ones and yet, it did. When I first learnt about the news, I tried to take it calmly but failed. How could I? It's my dad, someone who is so close to my heart. And all the guilt started flooding me. I was too careless, by not sending him for further check-ups when he complained about perpetual pain in his back. I was too ignorant, for always thinking that his ailments are minor. I was too negligent, having lost the sensitivity that I once had when it came to detecting whether my parents were unwell, after residing in Hanoi for close to 2 years.

This is a wake-up call for me. To warn me that life is short and I should never take things for granted. To allow me to see the strength in my family members as we came together to encourage our dad to face his illness bravely. And to allow me to once again appreciate the understanding displayed by M who readily agreed when I requested to stay with my family during this time, despite dreading the boring x10 life in Hanoi when I am not around.

My dad is now undergoing treatment currently and I pray that his condition will come under control. I resolve to treasure each and every member in my family and spend as much time with them as possible.

Now all I need is time. Please let my prayers be heard.

A Piece of Happy News

My brother finally received his "A" level results yesterday. It's so funny but I couldn't eat my lunch till I heard his results (I think I am worse than my mum!). And the moment I heard, I burst into tears. He was like "Aiyoh... zeh, don't cry leh. Why are you crying? Calm down.. calm down... Wah.. you are so proud of me ar?" before chuckling over the phone. He did very well.. but to me, that was secondary.

When my brother was preparing for his "A" levels last year, something serious happened in my family which affected him badly. Though I was of little help, I flew back to Singapore for three weeks to be with him. During this time, my brother displayed another side of him that I never knew. He picked himself up as much as he could and tried to channel his energy on his exams. I think he handled the situation much better than me! It was then that I realised he was no longer the little boy whom I often teased (we are 12 years apart). He's evolved into a teenager who's able to differentiate the right from wrong and make decisions independently.

To my dear Brother:
Those tears that I shed yesterday (and kena laughed by you) were tears of joy. It's not because of your results, which are really good by the way, but rather the strength you displayed earlier. Thank you for putting aside your feelings then to comfort Ma.. and to "counsel" your stubborn Xiao Zeh Zeh.. Thank you for hearing my gripes despite the tight schedule you had in preparing for your "A" levels... and Thank you for being so understanding and encouraging when I had to come back to Hanoi..

Honestly, no matter what your results were, I would have been equally happy and proud of you.

Self Worth v2

I have been receiving emails and notes from friends after my earlier post on "Self Worth". They were very open in sharing their concerns and own experiences of being a SHW (stay-home-wife) during their overseas stints. It's quite interesting and heartwarming to hear from them, and definitely delightful (Yes!) to know that there are wives like me around!

Phase 1
One thing that surprised me was most wives go through what I am going through now, which I will term as "Phase 1". This is the demoralising stage where you deem that your world has fallen, having made the world biggest sacrifice for your husband by giving up EVERYTHING. Expectations start running high. We demand for more attention from our other halves.. more time.. more tolerance and patience. Tantrums are to be expected.. Holidays or shopping trips are part of the package.. The occasional emotional outbreaks are to be endured or pacified. When this does not happen, we throw in the ultimatum of "I am suffering now all because of you, you know! You better treat me better!"

There will come the occasional regrets where we resolve to be better wives and stop the tantrums. But these positive thoughts don't last long.. and soon, we are back into the monstrous moods. The vicious cycle then repeats itself...

Self-Created Phase 1?
For some wives, the "Phase 1" is a short or almost non-existent process. I have seen them for myself. These are people whom we commonly term "tai tais" in a derogatory manner but I have come to see them with a renewed sense of respect. As S shared with me, while the tai tais' lives resolve around their husbands', they have never allowed their sense of self-worth to be eroded. They love themselves for who they are and are willing to play secondary financial roles in the family for the sake of their husbands' careers. They learn to adapt quickly after each relocation and build their social networks at an amazing speed.

Are they truly happy? My answer would be "yes". So why can't I be the same? This is something that I have been grappling with for a while and S summarised it perfectly. It's because being Singaporeans, we are so used to defining ourselves on specific moulds. The common Singaporeans' ideal of a successful woman is:

Successful woman = Financial Independence + Good Career + Loving Family

Our social image is not based solely on ourselves i.e. who we are. It's masked by factors such as career (position in the organisation, entrepreneurship), financial capability (house, car, handbags, etc), and family (loving husbands, clever children, doting in-laws). When we introduce ourselves to others, it's always, "Hi, I am XXX. I work in XXX as XXX. My husband is XXX. He's in XXX organisation. I have two kids. They are studying in XXX." It comes naturally to us, with no intent of showing off. Rather, we consider all these as part of "us".

When part of this external shell is removed (e.g. career), we become vulnerable. We think that our existence is no longer valued by others and lose our self-confidence. Should this be the case? Is this a real problem or self-created issue?

Self-Image of A Professional Tai Tai
Coming back to the "professional tai-tais", their views are very different. They anchor themselves strongly to their families and take pride in playing their "housekeeper" roles well. They believe that their husbands are happy only if they are happy, and that their sacrifices are appreciated by their families. Most importantly, they see themselves as no less capable than fellow counterparts with successful careers + large pay packets. To them, it's all a matter of choice. They have chosen to be with their families and give up their careers. Despite the "losses", they are determined to make the most of the "gains", such as more time to pursue personal interests or new activities, more time for friends, etc. These are adaptable people who will be happy wherever they go.

Reflection
What about myself? I realised I might have created too many imaginary inhibitions that hinders me from being truly happy. As SL probed me this morning, what's stopping me from being happy in Hanoi? Is it really the place or slower pace of life, or "me" myself? Is the loss of my career affecting me badly or my perceived loss of social identity? Why can't I be comfortable knowing people as who I am, flesh and skin? What's wrong with being known as Mrs M when I know very well who I am?

I guess it boils down to one's self-confidence. I refer to SL, my ex-manager. She gave up her career in my previous organisation to come to Hanoi for missionary work. Through learning the language and embracing the culture, she enjoyed herself so much and Hanoi is now her home. I met her this morning and could tell she is genuinely happy. Throughout our conversation, I realised that not once was she bothered by the fact that her career is non-existent and she is not as financially secure as before. When she was sharing with her life in Hanoi e.g. daily activities such as biking around town, making cheesecakes at home and travelling around Vietnam, she displayed the same confidence that I saw when she used to make corporate presentations. This is one lady who does not care what others thought of her because she has always known people as who she truly is.

My mum is another example. Having left the corporate world for more than 30 years, I often asked her whether she felt her sacrifice was worth it? Her answer was always a resolute "yes". To her, looking after her three children was never a demeaning job. Instead, she draws joy and pride from us. Her self-confidence is never anchored on her children's results nor careers. Rather, it's her evaluation of how successful she was in moulding our characters. This is why she was never once bothered by the fact that I am now jobless. Instead, she always reassures me that she's proud of me for having the courage to follow M to a different country. And she's proud of me for always thinking about her despite being far away. Amazing, isn't it? A mum who is so enlightened in life has to endure with a super-materialistic daughter aka ME.

Next Step?
Realisation is the first step. The next is asking whether I want to evolve into one of these happy enlightened souls? Frankly, I am not sure. It will be an ardous task melting my current "mould" of a successful ME and recasting a new one. I will continue to think about this, that's all I can promise to myself.

Perhaps there will come a day I will feel natural "unpackaged". By then, I will call myself a tru-blue, proud and happy "tai tai" and not feel a teeny-weeny bit ashamed.

Self Worth

I have been dwelling on this topic for the past two weeks since I came back to Hanoi.

Since I moved to Hanoi, I often found myself "questioning" my value of coming over. Moving here was not an easy decision for me. I had to give up a job that I enjoyed, being away from my family and friends, and the financial insecurity. I no longer have a familiar routine to adhere to i.e. wake up at 7am, go to work, go home, have dinner, watch TV and sleep. And I am thrown into a totally unfamiliar place when I have to set my own routine and learn everything from ground zero.

Before I came, I knew that I would have problems getting used to a different lifestyle but I did not expect it to be so difficult. Being jobless hit me very hard, not because I was a high flyer in my previous organisation, but because I no longer have anything to work towards. When I wake up in the morning, my purpose changed from meeting a project deadline to making breakfast on time for M. During lunch, I did not have a familiar group of colleagues to chat and gripe with. At dinner time, I have nothing to share with M except the things I bought at the supermart, how I spent my time with my friends in the afternoon, etc. In fact, I sometimes probed so much on what happened at his workplace that he would find it mildly irritating. Day in day out, this was the new routine that I established: eat breakfast -> nuah -> eat lunch -> nuah -> eat dinner -> nuah. Others might be envious that I am having so much time for myself but to me, it was a negative effect of an overdose. I began to dread all the time that I had.

I realised that I am a "competitive" person. I enjoy learning new things and setting challenges for myself. I enjoy proving myself in work through meeting deadlines, getting a good appraisal or a commendation by my manager. I enjoy going for courses, learning new concepts and sharing with my division what I have gained. I enjoy the last minute adrenaline rush of delivering time-critical projects and feeling a huge sense of satisfaction when the project was completed successfully. My brother often says that I am a freak. :)

With this nature, the environment in Hanoi does not suit me. I have searched for various courses to take here without avail. I have tried to look for a HR job but my inability to commit to a certain duration here (my husband's posting might be shortened or extended based on his organisation's needs) makes it difficult for employers to consider me. I searched for volunteering opportunities but was rejected. Either there was no vacancy or donations would be more welcomed. My friends tried to involve me in their painting or yoga classes but somehow, these lessons didn't appeal to me. I felt so helpless because there seemed NOTHING I could do about my situation.

After some consideration, I felt the best solution was for me to return to Singapore and pick up my life and visit M on a regular basis. I suggested this thought to M and not surprisingly, he refused. In anger, I blurted out on all my displeasure, my depreciating sense of self-worth, inability to provide for my family and pure boredom. Familiar topics that he was accustomed to. Naturally, it came with an accompaniment of tears and sobs. M kept quiet throughout. After I have calmed down, he posed me this question. Fundamentally, was it my belief that married couples should stay together? To him, it was a straight yes though he understood my boredom and financial insecurity. But if I believed in being together as a couple, nothing should affect my self-worth because I am here not just for him but for us. And if I believe that being here is key to supporting our marriage, what else could be more important?

That prompted me to think a lot. I know there is some sense in what he's saying because I too, believe that a healthy relationship should be one that allows face-to-face interaction at most times (this is purely personal). Perhaps in the past, I have anchored my worth too much on my career and the loss of this pillar resulted in my immediate emotional disturbance. Perhaps I am still getting used to thinking like a couple instead as an individual. It's now not "what's best for me" but rather "what's best for us".

It could be time for me to reassess my evaluation of "self worth" and learn to factor in more intangibles like "assurance of knowing your partner is always there for you" or "ability to do simple things together every day". No scores can be assigned in this "appraisal process". But you will know at the bottom of your heart the outcome and whether it's acceptable to you.

Or maybe, like M said, I should just try not to think too much. Life gets easier that way. :)

Maid in Vietnam

I am not sure whether I am considered lucky or unfortunate. There is some strange arrangement that we inherited from the previous house owner which resulted in me having two domestic helpers at my house in Hanoi. When my friends hear about this, they often rave in envy. I guess I would too, if I heard it from someone else. But honestly, I am tired of this arrangement. There are times when I just want to ask them to leave and let me have some peace and privacy.

This is what has been happening so far... I get along quite well with the younger helper and I think the older helper is jealous! So much so that she has been exaggerating her job role in the house and trying to get my husband's attention, like getting my driver to talk to my husband about some $ matters when she has told me about it the day before! I am quite amused (and vaguely annoyed) by the little games she's playing and have seriously thought about asking her to leave. The only thing that's holding me back is knowing she is the sole breadwinner of her family and it will not be easy for her to find another job since she doesn't speak English well. Of course, she's not without her merits. She does her job fairly well though I think it's because she has nothing much to do here.

M, in his usual cynical manner, jokingly commented that I can try out my people management skills on them and I was like duh!

I am quite certain that when I return to Singapore, I will not hire a maid unless a kid comes along the way and I cannot cope. I am now tired of maids in Vietnam. Looking forward to tomorrow when it's her off day and I won't see her. I feel so pathetic...

圣诞节的惊喜

昨天，我收到了一份让我惊喜的圣诞节礼物。


真没想到哦！感觉甜滋滋的。开始以为是M的同事送的，所以只略看了一眼。后来方知是M下班后特地去买的，不知为何，那束花突然变得漂亮多了！


我自认不是爱花之人，所以惊讶的问他为何送花给我？他笑了笑，说因为我一直埋怨河内的圣诞节太平静了，所以希望能让我有个小小的surprise.


心里暗自笑了，原来木头也有开花的一天，真是守得云开见月明。:p

P.S. 谢谢你让我今年的圣诞多了一份窝心和感动！

Happiness

It had been close to 3 weeks (gasps!) since I last blogged and the reason for my cyberspace disappearance was simply I went back to Singapore. It's always a delight to go back and honestly, nothing thrills me more than catching up with my family and friends in my country - food comes a close second.

This time, when I came back to Hanoi, I realised a change in me. I was not as sad and forlorn when I left Singapore and instead, look forward to coming back. The main reason is obviously because M is here. But other reasons that tie me down are firstly, my friends here and the fact that I am learning to appreciate (instead of resent) the differences between Hanoi and Singapore.

Compared to Singapore, Hanoi is far from being a metropolitan city. There are hardly any high rise buildings here.. roads are dirty.. the air is often dusty and polluted.. and the sales people hardly know anything about service standards. But Hanoi is not without its charms (think lakes within the cities, pretty and slim Vietnamese gals :) and unique architecture). But what impresses me most is the ability of Hanoians to get things done the way they want despite having very little, and being able to make do with what they have.

On my way home from the airport, I saw several make-shift tents set up at the side of the road and it didn't take me long to realise that the weekend flea market was taking place soon. Though there are no proper stalls nor decorations, Hanoians have learnt to make use of what they have (like mobile tables and chairs) to create a joyful carnival atmosphere. And crowds will flock to these places to browse through the stalls and enjoy the local snacks, prepared on charcoal stoves and wire mesh.

When I was walking to gym this morning, I saw a young mother playing with her child by the roadside. The child was chuckling in delight as she played with a bamboo stick, water puppet and rattan chair. (Note: no transformers or Barbie dolls here.) Further down the road, I saw a few men fishing by the lake, despite having construction work going on right next to them. (Note: no complaints about the ongoing loud construction. It's the "you drill what you want while I fish what I want" mentality.) When I was going home, I saw two girls standing by the road, with a luggage bag, waiting for a taxi. They must have waited for a long time because they looked quite annoyed as they searched frantically for a cab to no avail. Finally, one of the girls went to pick up her motorcycle.. asked her friend to hop on.. and drove off while the luggage back trailed behind the motorbike! I was staring at them in amazement.. I would never drag my bag along the road in this manner (Note: Big car, small bike, doesn't matter. I only care about the mode of transport that can get me to my destination.)

Deep down, I still wish that I were back in Singapore. I want to continue to work in CBD, shop during lunch and go gaga over Christmas sales like my friends. But since I am not, I have learnt, and still learning, to make use of what I have here to be happy, just like the locals. While I cannot meet up with my friends regularly, I am thankful for internet access here which allows me to stay in touch electronically with them. Though I cannot see my family in "person", our daily phone chats or video conferencing sessions allow me to catch up with them. Though I am not working and gaining financially, I occupy my time with going to the gym, meeting up with friends, blogging, learning how to cook and bake and budgeting! As my mother aptly puts it, learning how to manage one's monthly household budget is a valuable and transferable skill that I should not look down on.

I guess I am quite, quite happy now in Hanoi and I am glad that I have learnt how to be happy.

Lost & Found

Lost
Have not been in the mood to blog these days. Facing a personal problem which is beyond my control. Sometimes, such things happen, don't they? You face a problem which you brood, fret, think and ponder yet you can't do anything about it. Absolutely frustrating. I have been advised to let go and not think about it. But the stubborn streak in me is too strong, especially when the problem clashes with my personal beliefs. Perhaps I will be happier if I forget about the whole issue but at this moment, I am still struggling. Lost. Terribly lost.

Found

On a happier note, I have found a few old friends via Facebook and kept in touch with them. There are pleasant surprises here and there that perk me up. While I am not addicted to it, I definitely try to log in more frequently now to hear from my "kakis".

Well, got to find other bright spots in life, isn't it?

三十岁了！

我今天三十岁了！

很奇怪，我并不惧怕这个岁数。三十岁的我，在性格上还有很多地方可以改进，例如：脾气，急性子，小气，天生忧郁的个性，等等。但现在，我比以前更清楚的知道自己应该在那一方面努力。这份自我了解，得来不易。 人都是这样，往往想挑战自己。我呢，就希望能让自己的性格更完美一些。（少少也好啦！）

今天中午，M同我到一家我十分喜欢的日本餐厅Masuda吃午饭。这家餐厅位于小湖旁，环境非常优美。当侍应生领我们到用餐的房间时，我俩忍不住笑了出来！因为我们是第三次来到这间房了，似乎是属于我们的感觉。我点了我最爱吃的生鱼饭和冷面，M则选择了日本咖喱饭。那里的菜肴真是一级棒，小菜也很丰富。下次再把照片放上来吧！

回到家里，我第一件事就是打电话给我的家人。三十年来，这是我头一次在外地过生日呢。听到妈妈和小弟的祝福，心里非常开心。爸爸也通过妈妈转达了对我的关怀。感觉好窝心哦！

傍晚时分，M带了一束玫瑰花回来，让我觉得很怪，因为他知道我并不喜欢花。原来是他同事的一番心意，我的司机还送我一个巧克力蛋糕。真是让我感动。原来在异乡过生日也能那么温馨。

生日快乐！

感慨三篇

回到了河内，又有一股莫名的惆怅感。短短的三个星期，我似乎经历了不少。去了一趟台湾同好友叙旧，回国之后却碰上了亲人去世和友人迎接新生命一悲一喜的事。

友人篇（一）

这次的台湾之游，让我同一位好友相聚。认识她是在中学时期，很奇怪，我们性格虽然截然不同，但却十分投机。我便自封为她的干姐姐，担当起保护 她的责任。（说穿了，我只是趁机欺负她罢了。）由于她很内向，又蛮乖巧，我便替她取了个外号叫老鼠。她也不干势弱的叫我水桶（因为我时常喝很多水。）

大学时期，她到英国念书。说真的，当时我很想念她。一想到不能象以往那样容易同她见面和通电话，我忍不住哭得稀里哗啦，还被妈妈训了一顿。后来，她回到台北协助她父亲的家族生意，我们便没机会见面了。只有等她偶尔会新加坡公干，才有机会见面。

这次到台北，并非心血来潮，而是早有预谋。时常都想到那儿看看她和她的生活环境。短短的一个星期里，我仿佛回到学生时代，那时我经常到她家过夜并畅谈一番。别看她似乎很乖，和我斗嘴时可厉害了（但还是不及我啦）。我们就这样闹啊，吵啊，吃啊，玩啊，度过了一个很美好的假期。回国后，突然很想念她。感觉上还有很多话没同她说，也很希望她能够象以前那样离我那么近。我同妈妈说，真的不知道几时才有机会再当面作弄她，同她聊天。

感慨一：好友难求，当你遇上一个能让你无所不谈，并放心倾诉的人，是值得特别珍惜的。

亲人篇

听到我姨丈逝世，我十分震惊。他是在异乡公干时心脏病暴发而离开的，享年五十三岁。由于姨丈长年在外地工作，所以我同他的接触不多。但看见我阿姨和表姐弟伤心欲绝的模样，我忍不住难过。表弟说，姨丈时常不在身边，所以他对爸爸的感情没那么深厚。但他是爱爸爸的。现在没有机会让姨丈亲耳听到这句话，让他非常无奈。

我不知道自己还有多少时间和家人在一起，但我下定决心要时时提醒自己，珍惜和家人相聚的每一分一秒。写到这里，想到远在新加坡的妈妈，我又感到一阵惆怅。

感慨二：人生最大的无奈莫过于死别。

友人篇（二）

在我回到河内的前几天，接到了一个好消息。一位好友顺利的产下了可爱的男宝宝，简称轩仔。之前知道她对怀孕之事非常担心，所以为她感到担忧。一来是未做好准备，二来是怀孕时期身体不适，让她困扰了一阵。但那天看到她开心的模样，我放心多了。我想一旦身为人母，一个人的心态和观念就会随之改变。这就是有身具来的准备力量。我相信我的朋友会是一位很好的妈妈。加油哦！

想到不能参加轩仔的满月酒，我不禁有少许惆怅。我最爱热闹的，特别是有可爱宝宝的地方，更让我开心。但我远在河内，这满月酒是没机会喝了。

感慨三：人不需要刻意改变自己来担当责任。有时，责任会让你无形中改变。

Happy National Day!

This is the first year I am celebrating National Day overseas and I am super homesick. I just watched Channel Newsasia this morning, a special report on National Day for overseas Singaporeans, and caught a short interview with violinist Lee Hui Min (can't remember how to spell her name). She said something that struck my heart. There are certain things that u take for granted in Singapore. But once you are overseas and these things are not available, they become special to you. My exact sentiments.

But I guess majority of my homesickness also comes from missing my family. We usually "tah paw" some food back for dinner (like sashimi if we are feeling rich or teo chew porridge if we are feeling stuffed!) and spend the evening watching the National Day Parade. It has become part of a routine for us to spend our holiday. Something which I miss greatly.

Happy Birthday, Singapore!

母亲节之感

对妈妈的思念

（记：本想在母亲节当天写这篇感想，但电脑却不合作，所以便拖到今日。）

对妈妈的思念，来到异乡更加的深切。

记得小时候，对妈妈有许多误会。总爱说她偏心，因为家里还有位挺乖的大姐，和一位讨人喜欢的小弟。我常觉得自卑，埋怨妈妈为何不把我生得象姐姐那么高挑，象弟弟那么可爱。有时也怪妈妈为何没把我生得美一点，瘦一点，聪明一点，妈妈总笑着不答话。或许是因为妈妈从不责骂我，只是在一旁温和的开解我，让我变本加厉。当然，我根本听不进她所说的话，只一味的觉得她在为自己申辩。

但内心底，我是敬爱我妈妈的。或许因为太想像妈妈（又美丽，又温和，又和蔼可亲），但又不可能 （因为自己的性格差太远了！），所以性格变得很暴躁，又没信心，常怨天尤人。在学业和生活上，一旦碰到不如意的事，我就会把责任推到别人身上，从不自我反省。例如：数学成绩不及格是老师教得不好；同学们不同我说话是她们小心眼。妈妈看在眼里，十分担心，常常劝我要先检讨自己，而不是一味的说是别人的错，可我并不了解，还把她的善意误会成对我的偏见。所谓忠言逆耳，这句话是一点儿都没错。妈妈在我身上下了不少心思。当我对她埋怨，哭闹，或发脾气时，她总在一旁默默聆听，不啃声，也没显出一副不耐烦的表情。过后，她便一直鼓励我，开解我。有一次，我放学后，又对妈妈哭着说同学们笑我又笨又肥。妈妈立刻对我说了一句话：“就算全世界的人都觉得你很丑，你在妈妈的心目中永远是最美，最可爱的。＂我听了，便不哭了。我想，妈妈是厉害的。她知道我最大的问题是自卑心作祟，而唯一能医好我的，只有父母的认同和关怀。

长大后，终于了解妈妈的苦心。

从弟弟的成长过程，我看到了我自己。他的一举一动，时而任性，时而暴躁，时而好玩，时而胡闹，简直就象一面镜子摆放在我面前。看到妈妈对他心疼，担忧，生气，无助等种种心情，以及对小弟又劝，又教，又谈，又骂的各种行为，我方能了解为人父母的困难。当弟弟象我以前那样指责母亲偏心，不公平时，我看见妈妈的眼神闪过几分无奈和心痛，泪水也在眼眶中徘徊。很快的，她恢复了以往平静的心态，开始苦口婆心的劝我小弟。这时，我的心情很复杂。原来我以前也是如此的不懂事，如此得让妈妈难过。但是，我从不怪弟弟惹妈妈生气，因为这是他的成长过程。我怪的只是自己为何过了那么久才体会妈妈的苦心，而过去为什么对她有那么多不必要的误会和不公平的指责。我想，我开始开窍了。

踏入社会之后，我每天放工回家做的第一件事就是对妈妈叙说上班遇到的烦恼和问题，并征求她的意见。妈妈是聪明的。虽然她的工作经验不多，但时常通过书籍和报纸进修，因此对人对事的见解往往一针见血。有时，我也把工作上新鲜有趣的事情说给她听，让她回味一下年轻时工作的欢乐时光。就这样，妈妈从一位导师渐渐的成为我的知心好友。

记得有一次，我对妈妈说，我很开心，因为她是我最好的朋友。妈妈露出灿烂的笑容，对我说，她也把我当成很谈得来的忘年之交。我们俩便象小孩子那样，戏弄对方说 "You are my best friend"。现在想起来，觉得又好笑，又温馨。

今年的母亲节，我人在河内，无法同母亲庆祝。若是从前，早就耿耿于怀。但现在，我并不放在心上。对妈妈的好，不只是在母亲节方能表达。只要有那份心意，天天都是母亲节。身为我 "best friend"　的妈妈，又怎能不知我的想法呢？

P.S. 借这篇博客抒发对母亲的思念，并祝她身体健康，永远开心！

重温三国演义的日子

Haven't been updating my blog for the last 3 weeks as I was back in Singapore. Spent lots of time with my family, esp my dearest mum, and had lots of fun. This was the longest time that M and I spent in Singapore together, so we went furniture shopping and food exploring. He was really gorging down the local delicacies such as chilli crab, prata, satay and char kway teow while I ate almost fish soup every meal because I missed it SOOOOO MUCH! It's my favourite dish in Singapore! Am also very proud because I managed to find the Pontian Wan Ton Mee at Heeren. Read about it in the newspapers but have not been able to find it. Finally, my mum and I chanced upon Graffiti Cafe on the 5th floor and ta-dah, we found the noodles. It tasted pretty good at a low cost of $2.80. Thumbs Up!

Came back to Hanoi on 10 May and the weather has been quite erratic (what's new?). Fluctuates between scorching hotness, damp rains and cool breezes. Well, if I were ever given a choice to design my weather for the day, it would be damp rains at night (so that I can sleep well), cool breezes in the morning (as I am home most of the time) and heat waves in the afternoon (as I hide myself in the gym).

Anyway, M managed to find the latest version of DVDs for 三国演义 (Romance of the Three Kingdoms) so we have been huddling up watching the disc after disc. It's our favourite TV series and book of all times but M is definitely a crazier fan. The story engages me because there's so much intelligence and wit displayed in the conversations, characters and plots. M's favourite character is 周瑜 while I struggle between 赵云 and 诸葛亮. I admire 赵云 for his courage while for 诸葛亮, it is his ability to devise impressive strategies within the shortest possible time and willingness to serve his master 刘备 (whom I feel is far inferior to him in the story) that touches me.

My RTK craze is hitting me again......"出师未捷身先死，常使英雄泪满襟。" See what I mean?

April Fool's Thoughts

Happy April Fool's Day!

This used to be one of my favourite days in primary school becoz I enjoyed pulling little tricks on my classmates. Some common ones include teasing my friends tat there was a test tat day which they din study for, homework due dates being brought forward, etc. I do get a few pale faces here and there becoz I was known then as a "goody two shoes" type of student so my friends place a lot of trust in me (which I abused on April Fool's Day). Now that I think of it, some of the tricks were so "obvious" and it's really unbelievable tat my friends would fall for them.. but I guess we were all young once...

As I grew older, April Fool's Day became less exciting and often forgotten. I mean, who remembers a "non-public holiday" day when you r busy mugging for your "O" and "A" Levels? I was too busy then trying to figure out all the physics formulas and chemical reactions, as well as charting down my progress chart for the important year end exams. Taking a step back, I wonder if this was the right way to spend my teenage years? My life was simply focused on my studies. Sure, I did fairly well for all my exams (not incredible grades but good enough to progess to a good JC and local university) but as my mum aptly commented: I do not know anything beyond my cirriculum. I guess one tends to easily lose focus of what is really important in life. I wish I had a clear focus then on what I wanted to be as a person: a studious straight "As" student or an average grader who knew what was happening around him. Given a choice now, I would chose the latter.

I am not sure whether I am making any sense here.. but this is just my two cents' worth on April Fool's Day.. (",)